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Dia Caulquiera



Parte Uno:

Humor Section


Two Heads Are Better Than One But Draw Unwanted Attention at the Grocery Store

My mother warned me that No man would want to be with me if I didn’t keep my apartment clean. Good thing I was more interested in A man.


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Parte Dos:

My Galen DeKemper One Dollar Story

You are currently walking down the street with a Significant Other. You have been invited to visit her studio. You have been acquainted with this Other for roughly one hour.


You understand that she has taken an interest in you. You have come to this conclusion after a passive collection of data. That collected data is as follows: Her eyes widened often when you spoke. Her smile was produced as a reward for your active listening. She inquired about the emotional impact of your atypical upbringing. She was attentive to the timing and extent of your bashful silences. You were also aware of a very particular eagerness that seemed to extend from her general vicinity directly into yours.


You successfully interpreted the physical cues that indicated her excitement. What you cannot fully understand is why she is excited by you. You acknowledge that you too feel excited. When you had the chance to speak with her it was as though your autonomic charisma had become dysfunctional, or perhaps suddenly vestigial.


In retrospect you recognize that when you were speaking you may have appeared to be in a sort of fugue state characterized by the following: Stiff, nearly metallic posture. Mechanical hand motions. Glassy, unseeing eyes. Tight, restricted vocal patterns. All of this was observed by the captive audience of lunch guests. For you, in the moment of speaking itself, it was almost as if the world around you had disappeared. Though you knew instinctively you were being watched it was impossible to distinguish ocular stimuli so long as you continued to rasp your diatribe. This duo of visual amnesia and dispassionate recitation to you is a good indicator of honest communication. 


At one point, as you’re rounding the corner and passing a particularly fragrant Wisteria plant you realize that you cannot seem to stop smiling. This is at once pleasurable and frightening. Additionally you are aware of the fact that the excitement shared between the two of you is now tactile. Partly due to the increasing soreness in your face the eagerness she had projected onto you in the living room is beginning to feel like am imposition.


You begin to think that this intangible emotion is making it difficult to breathe. It is as though the two of you are suspended in some kind of liminal space. You realize you find this space thoroughly unnerving because it is fertile with possibility. 


You recall the words of your cognitive behavioral therapist when you realize that this notion of possibility is triggering your personal anxieties regarding achievement. “Life is about the journey, not the finish line.” You tell this to yourself, but simultaneously continue to dread the notion that you may at any moment be required to somehow prove yourself to this Other in some way.


You are now fully aware of the fact that you are experiencing a physical response to an invisible confinement that is in part self imposed. Upon this realization you feel instantly vulnerable, and subsequently, entirely human. You now begin to feel an actual tightness in your chest. You stop walking for a moment because you have unintentionally inspired in a kind of constricted way and now you are coughing and turning red in the face.


You think back on the intoxicating encounter that led to this moment. You recall that in response to her physical cues you were at one point inclined to reduce the amount of physical distance separating the two of you. You are remembering the sensation of having your lips close to her hands as you stand there on the sidewalk coughing phlegmatically.


It takes you both a few minutes to collect yourselves after this display of bodily horror. 




The specter of emotional anticipation is still with you. You wonder if it is haunting her as doggedly as it does you. You conclude that it does not. You remember something your cognitive behavioral therapist told you

Parte Tres:

Kill the Rockefellers

money talks and mines talks lecture long

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